The song, I think, is by James Taylor:
“I was a fool to care / I was a fool to care / But I don’t care / Even if I was a fool.” I think about that sometimes when I think about relationships. Why do so many of us care so deeply about people that don’t seem to give us much thought or affection? It’s like we’re hard-wired to seek out people that are cold and unavailable, that constantly string us along without ever really showing us the love we desire. It also reminds of me of another song, this one by The Smiths: “In my life, why do I give valuable time / To people who don’t care if I live or die?” The song, called “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” is pretty straightforward about the condition many of us find ourselves. We give ourselves to other people, get nothing in return, and then are shoved out the door before we even knew what happened. Why Do We Play The Fool? Probably cause we don’t see reality. We see the world how we want to see it, where that other person returns our affection and falls madly in love with us too. It’s no surprise that falling in love has been compared to a mental illness. The chemicals our brain produce in the presence of our crush literally get us high. We act illogically and when they pull away, we have actual withdrawals without the drug of their attention, and began to concoct increasingly desperate ways to get our fix. Even WebMD has compared love to drugs like cocaine. Like pain relievers and the white stuff, love actually eases our physical ailments by targeting pleasure receptors like dopamine. It also can give us strong feelings of ecstasy, which then makes us feel like the object of our love is our soulmate. If infatuation and love are essentially a mental illness, at least it’s an ailment that many of us share. Maybe deep down, we even sort of enjoy the excitement and let down of falling for someone, even if it ultimately causes us to spiral into anguish and depression. Or, of course, we’re just addicted to that love drug. Why Do We Continue To Play The Fool? I thought eventually I’d learn my lesson, but then I go and fall for another person that can’t love me. Every time I tell myself: This isn’t going to be like the last time. This person actually cares about me. I convince myself that they are going to fall for my charms and meet me halfway. And then, just like last time, they don’t really care. Cue the song, because I’m playing the fool, again. One theory is that, like a drug addict, we’re just relapsing again. It’s like we went to rehab for our cocaine addiction, spent a year getting off the stuff, then on one fateful evening, went on a binge. Next thing we know, we’re looking at another person with the wild eyes of love. Can We Help Who We Fall in Love With? This is a really interesting question, both personally and philosophically. I think it comes down to what you believe about free will and fate, and how we make decisions as human beings in an uncertain world. If you believe everything is fate, you probably think that everyone you meet, and everyone you love, were fated to be in your life. I guess that makes it easy, because if that person rejects you, it was fate for them to do that. But if you believe in free will, then you think that you have the autonomy to choose someone that is right for you. This decision may be influenced by past experience, genetics. I’ve always thought it’s a mixture of the two. I think there are elements of determinism in our choices. There are the factors of general taste, genetic makeup, social standing, and past history that play a role in what people we are attracted to. There is also the power to choose, which may be difficult when someone is just so damn attractive to you. You know what I’m talking about. One look from their eyes and you’re a puddle on the floor. There is an upside to this, though. We are people that allow ourselves to be vulnerable, the ones that opened themselves up to the possibility of love, the ones that believed in intimacy and connection. There is wisdom to being a fool. Maybe we can strike a balance. We can work on ways to build up our strength, to believe in ourselves and our choices, and to know when to walk away from a relationship that isn’t serving us. And when the time comes, someone will see the beauty of our open hearts and appreciate that we are vulnerable and ready to share ourselves with them. We have so much love to give, so keep on giving it, to yourself, to others, and to the world.
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Wesley OwensI write about love, life, and all the things in between. Archives
April 2022
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