The psychology of rumination and overthinking can lead us to profound insights Rumination is a part of life.
If you’re a thinking, feeling, hoping human being, you’ve probably found yourself ruminating over something in your life. For many, this cycle of overthinking and overanalyzing a situation can often be precipitated by relationships, and more specifically breakups. But why? Why can’t we stop thinking about that person, or that thing we said, when it’s not serving us anymore and the problem doesn’t get solved in the process? The problem starts with our brains, and what they are hardwired to do. One of the most deep-seated survival mechanisms of the human brain is to try to figure out problems (aka sources of pain and suffering) and avoid them in a future. If you burn your hand on a stove, for example, you learn not to touch it when it’s hot. This logic applies to many things in life. Once we experience pain, our brain wants to figure out what hurt us and then avoid that pain from here on out. As Psychologist Jordan Peterson puts it, there is a pragmatic element to our thoughts. For example, something goes wrong — a relationship, a job, a friendship — and our brains go into hyperdrive trying to trace the root of the problem to its source. The problem is that sources of emotional pain can be a little harder to pinpoint than cutting yourself with a knife or burning yourself on a flame. And that makes it hard for our brain to figure out how to avoid that situation in the future. In its essence, it’s a survival mechanism gone awry. This trait of our brains (the ability to process problems and find solutions) that helps us in some situations — solving math problems, writing stories, doing research — can also cripple us in others. But what’s the problem here? Why can’t we just figure it out, give ourselves the most logical answer, and move on? The problem, my friends, is the complexity of the problem. And what is more complicated a series of events than a relationship (Except for maybe global geopolitics or quantum physics)? When our brains travel back to try to figure out what went wrong in a relationship, we’re often left fishing for a needle in a haystack, unable to ever really pinpoint the source of the problem, or whether there was ever really a problem at all. Trying To Make Sense of the Illogical One theory as to why rumination becomes so problematic after a relationship breakdown is that, in their essence, relationships are illogical. Applying a logical process to an illogical phenomenon is a hopeless thing. Why? Number one: there are just too many variables. Trying to look back at a failed relationship and figure out what went wrong can be like searching for a needle in a haystack. There are just too many things that have happened, too many events and interaction, to accurately ever figure out what the problem was. This is when the rumination starts. Since your brain can’t figure it out, it begins cycling over and over various events in your head, desperately trying to pinpoint one moment (something you said or did, perhaps) where everything went bad. Unfortunately, life doesn’t usually work that way. There are innumerable things that could have been potentially been wrong, and it’s impossible to say how that all these little things interacted and evolved throughout your relationship. And that’s even assuming you can safely say what was wrong or right in any given situation, or whether you’re confused about what the the wrong (or right) thing to do was in the first place. At least in my mind (and I suspect many of you are like this, too), I’m not totally positive about whether some things were right or wrong in certain contexts. There were certain things I said or did during my relationship, such as not committing to a serious relationship right away, or not calling all the time in the first part of the relationship, that could be interpreted either way. After it was all over, I started to think about them as something I did wrong, and that if I hadn’t done them, we would still be together. But who’s to say? Maybe those were the things I did right, or were healthy boundaries I was right to draw in the sand. And to add to this, it might have been that tension that made her attracted to me in the first place (Although maybe I’m overthinking this). There comes a point where the rumination has to stop. And that means letting go of the need for a reason your breakup happened. Letting Go Without An Explanation In the end, I think any attempt to explain life is ultimately in vain. Even the most respected anthropologists and psychologists are dealing with, in the best of situations, incomplete data. Though we do live in the age of big data (meaning there’s more data available now than ever before), there will likely always be something incomplete about our picture of the world. You can partially attribute that to the play of emotions, of the subconscious, and of a billion variables being played out in real time in a dynamic, inscrutable world full of countless surprises. What does this mean? No matter what we know, or don’t know, we have to ultimately move on (with confidence, mind you), even if we don’t have a satisfying answer to why things (whatever those things are) turned out the way they did. We’re humans. We want answers, even when we know that there may not be one, or that it doesn’t really matter in the long run. Our hearts and minds seem hardwired to ask “Why?”, and that’s okay. Keep asking, but don’t let the questions sabotage your own life. There are plenty of other things in this wild, crazy, unimaginably busy world to let your mind be curious about. Eventually, you’ll find a way to sublimate all this, channeling the energy that has been flowing towards an unsolvable problem and siphoning it into another part of your life. This is what the best artists and innovators do, and what you have the ability to do as well. The truth is, cruel things happen to us. How we take those things and move beyond them is where we prove our strength and our resilience. Anything can be transformed, even the suffering of our own minds. As Victor Frankl said: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
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There’s no cure-all for losing fat, but eating the right foods can get us going on a sustainable path towards better health and a fitter body.
No need to go crazy and put yourself on an extreme diet — going on a diet can be as easy as incorporating the right foods into your meals, eating less of the bad stuff, and finding a balance between enjoying yourself and feeling good about your body. That being said, the bottom line of losing weight is eating a calorie deficit, which can theoretically be accomplished with any diet. People soon find, though, that eating the right foods makes this so much easier, as healthy fats, protein, and nutrient-packed foods can help us feel more satiated and less likely to indulge in high-calorie snacks throughout the day. Without further ado, here are three of my favorite foods that will help you along the weight loss journey. 1. Chicken There’s a reason that you always hear about chicken breast when it comes to diets and weight loss. Chicken is a great source of protein, and chicken breast in particular offers you that protein without the extra fat and calories of other cuts of meat. Plus, the amino acids and lean protein in the meat satiate you and offer your body a prolonged fuel source. Obviously, eating fried chicken is not the solution here, as the additional fat and calories will add up pretty quickly, not to mention the unhealthy oils that fried foods are often cooked up in. 2. Broccoli You can’t go wrong with broccoli. It packs a high amount of fiber, is low carb, and offers you a number of nutrients your body needs to function well. Its high calcium content and relatively low calorie-to-nutrient ratio means that broccoli helps fill you up without breaking your diet. Just taking a look at some of the nutrition stats is astounding. For 1 cup of broccoli, you get only 30 calories, 6 grams of carbs, and 2.5 grams of protein, not to mention high amounts of vitamin C and vitamin K. 3. Nuts Nuts are another food that is low carb, high fat and offers a healthy amount of protein for your body. This is especially true for almonds and cashews, which have more good fat than potentially unhealthy saturated fats, and also give you plenty of protein, which helps your body stay full longer. This keeps you from overeating throughout the day. Plus, in my humble opinion, nuts taste pretty great. I like mixing cashews in with my Greek yogurt in the morning, or even as a snack when I get hungry at random times in the day. Conclusion There are many other foods that will help you along the fat-loss journey, and the list is definitely not limited to these three types. One thing to remember: Balance is key. Don’t make your life a living hell by depriving yourself of things that you enjoy, but don’t completely fall off the wagon either. There are lots of food out there. Start eating more of the good ones, and you’ll start to see changes over time. We Already Know the Best Diet for Humans Don’t worry: It doesn’t involve counting calories or nutrient scapegoatsheated.medium.com If you haven't checked out Medium for more of my stories, click here. Batman can't forget his first childhood crush In a recent interview, actor/superstar Robert Pattinson gushed about his first love, and how, after all these years, he still thinks about her. Of course, his first love wasn’t in high school or at summer camp: It was a character from a video game.
Pattinson told Gamestop that his first love was Aeris from Final Fantasy VII, a massively popular video game that captured generations of fans in the 90s (including me. I probably played the game for an embarrassing number of hours in my middle school years). Robert Pattinson Discusses Final Fantasy 7 Love TriangleThe Batman actor Robert Pattinson has further discussed his love of Final Fantasy VII, and specifically the two…www.gamespot.com He claims that his love was torn between Aeris and Tifa, two of the heroines in the epic story that came to define an era of gaming for young kids around the world. When Aeris dies in Final Fantasy VII, Pattinson was understandably devasted, as we all were when our young minds digested the loss of such a beloved character. But even more interesting is how such a storied video game affects the young mind of a boy, and what it says about fantasy and the world as a whole. The female characters in Final Fantasy VII are understandably problematic in the modern world, where such oversexed and romanticized female tropes have been identified as unrealistic elements of male fantasy. Is the first love of a man necessarily a fantasy? And are these fantasies analogues to the romance novels that have become tropes in the world of female fantasies? It’s a necessary conversation, and one that might reap benefits in understanding more about what machinations lie at the heart of love and desire. The Role of Fantasy In Life It’s appropriate that a game called Final Fantasy VII would be the object of a young man’s fantasies. The game is all about the vividness of imagination, centering on a complex world of fantastical characters, creatures, and adventures. Take one look at modern culture, from immensely popular books to blockbuster movie franchises, and you’ll see the marketability, and persistence, of fantasy in human life. It’s no wonder that Pattinson, an actor, would have a strong relationship with the fantasy elements of his youth, where he first learned to project his self onto fictional characters and stories. But how does this figure into real love? Can fantasy desires play a healthy role in the development of real love and authentic relationships with other people? Fantasy and Love Obviously, love and fantasy are often so intertwined in our minds that we don’t realize where one ends and the other begins. Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing starts as a fantasy, especially in those early stages when we don’t really know a person, and our mind fills the gaps with all sorts of imaginative personality details and stories. Fantasy can be a big part of love addiction, facilitating obsession with a person through the fantasy about what the relationship could be. But what’s the line, when that attachment to a fantasy narrative gets in the way of establishing a real, authentic relationship? If you’re ignoring parts of a person in service of fantasy narrative, it’s possible you’re getting yourself into trouble. If thoughts of them being “the one” or some sort of fated lover trump the actual process of getting to know them, then fantasy might play too big a role in your love attachment style. Fantasy, in small doses, can be fun and interesting in a relationship. Learning to temper that fantasy with realistic expectations and earned trust takes time, and a certain amount of discipline. The New York Times has a great article on the balance between fantasy and real life, especially when it comes to relationships. The link is below: The Good and Bad of Indulging in Fantasy and Daydreaming (Published 1996)Long Island Q&A: Dr. Ethel S. Person This is a digitized version of an article from The Times's print archive, before…www.nytimes.com But if you, like Robert Pattinson, still can’t let go of that fantasy lover, don’t be ashamed. We all have permission to dream a little. The imaginative life, after all, is integral to creativity, and you can use it to fuel your work, and move towards goals you wouldn’t have thought of otherwise. If you haven't checked out Medium for more of my stories, click here. There aren’t many subjects that have been as talked about and analyzed as love. And since it is such a ripe subject, inevitably us writers want to make lists that summarize pertinent information to love. We put together rules, good practices, and dos and don’ts for each other to help each other through the confusion and uncertainty of relationships. Lists, of course, can never cover everything there is to know about relationships, love or dating. What they can do is help us make intentions about specific things we want in relationships and then follow through on them. That’s why as tired and overdone listicles are, they are still useful. Without further ado, here are five rules we should follow to help build and maintain lasting love in our relationships. 1. Give Your Partner The Benefit of the Doubt Good relationships are built on the underlying assumption that the other partner has inherent quality and has our best interests at heart. If we believe that their core selves are, without a doubt, naturally good and looking our best interests, we can deal with any problems that come up. Conflicts start to really destroy relationships when we lose our basic faith in that other person. If we’re not giving them the benefit of the doubt in every situation, then we might not actually see their inherent quality anymore. Find someone that you care about beyond the superficial nonsense and conflicts won’t be such a drag on the relationship. 2. Be The Best You Can For Each Other Don’t stop trying to grow and change when it comes to being in a relationships. It’s when we stop trying to improve and become complacent that things can go downhill. When people become stagnant in their lives, this can also spread to the relationship. If you’re not continuing to put your best foot forward, you may have let laziness and apathy seep into your love life. It is possible to be vulnerable while also simultaneously trying to improve yourself, improving on unwanted behavior and working through issues that get between you and the other person. 3. Don’t Act Like You Own Your Partner Ownership and possessiveness is always a huge issue when it comes to relationships. Oftentimes one person in the relationship starts to be controlling of the other person, stopping them from doing certain things or seeing certain people. Although there is a degree of compromise in relationships, acting like you own and possess your partner is a sure recipe for disaster. In relationships, sometimes you have to step back and let your partner just be themselves, doing our best to curb any jealous or possessive feelings that might be developing inside us. Treading the line of accountability and control is the key here. 4. Understand Their Point of View Supporting your partner in their point of view can be extremely difficult during an argument. Even though it's hard, part of being with someone is practicing seeing things their way, even if you disagree with them. This allows you to have a discussion instead of a shouting match, seeing things from all angles and making the best decision you can about what to do going forward. This goes back to the “benefit of the doubt” rule, which makes seeing things from their point of view easier. 5. Follow Through On Your Promises Even when it comes to the little things, following through on your promises is a sign of mature and responsible behavior. That also means you don’t make promises you can’t keep, and you don’t make your partner believe that you can do things you’re not capable of. Breaking a promise can do lots of damage to a relationship. That’s why making a promise to your partner means you follow through. Every. Time. Follow these five rules, and you will be well on your way to finding lasting love in your life. Of course, there is no such thing as perfection, so even if you come up short, don’t get yourself down. We aim for our ideals, and strive to be better; for ourselves, and for each other. Throughout the ages, people have often compared love to drugs, and now it seems the science is backing them up.
For many years, pop songs and movies have chronicled the rush of emotion and feeling that accompanies meeting and falling in love with somebody. In fact, one could argue that understanding love is the main preoccupation of art. Take the Huey Lewis and the News hit “I Want a New Drug:” “I want a new drug. One that won’t go away. One that won’t keep me up all night.”Or the seminal song by Robert Palmer, “Addicted To Love:” “Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love” Recently, I’ve been facing the fact that, when it comes to love, I’m as much of an addict as everyone else. I’m a rational and logical human most of the time, but when it comes to love, I can act just as crazy as the next person. Saying love is like a drug is pretty ambiguous, though. What drug experience is closest to that of love? I never considered this question until recently, but a little bit of research came up with a scientific consensus of sorts. According to recent research, falling love with someone has a very similar effect on our brains to using crack cocaine. Yep, that’s right. Crack cocaine.As many of us have never used crack cocaine, we’ll just have to take their word for it. Considering the roller coaster of highs and lows that infatuation and love often send me on, I can’t help but agree with them. That’s why I wanted to look more into the experiences that connect these two “drugs” and make them affect the brain in similar ways. Let’s take a look at some of the core elements of crack cocaine and love, and see what they really have in common. The Ecstasy According to addictionresource.org, smoking crack cocaine leads to states of wild euphoria, accompanied by a sense of liberation and possibility. If that sounds suspiciously like the madness of love to you, I would totally agree. This ecstatic state that crack cocaine induces also causes the user to seek out another high is as soon as possible. Those who have experienced the euphoria of crack cocaine, even one time, suddenly become intent on reliving that experience again and again. Similarly, the person who has fallen into feelings of love or infatuation experiences similar cravings to relive that experience. One great date, one encounter, one kiss is never enough. We just want more and more. Just take a look at some more of Palmer’s lyrics to “Addicted to Love:” “ Your lights are on, but you’re not home Your mind is not your own Your heart sweats, your body shakes Another kiss is what it takes” Once we experience the ecstasy of the love drug, we want it again and again. We can’t eat, we can’t sleep — states that are eerily similar between infatuation and crack use. We’ll stop at nothing to get one more kiss, one more message from our crush, or just one more hit. The problem is that we often make some pretty critical life decisions based off of this initial high. Is falling for someone like smoking crack cocaine and then recklessly committing yourself to emotional and sexual union with that person? Doesn’t that sound sort of ill-conceived? The Withdrawal Eventually there comes a time when you can’t have your drug of choice anymore. It’s destroying your life and making you act in ways unbecoming to your reputation. Yes, I’m talking about both love, and crack cocaine. Personally, love has made me participate in reckless behavior, mostly including getting drunk on cheap beer and saying things I regret, but that’s another story. So if you have to quit your drug, the next part is the withdrawal. This might happen right after getting rejected by your romantic interest, or having someone turn away from your kiss. Remember that song “Mr. Brightside?” “It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this?” The obsession, the sick feeling, the agony, all come to visit the person experiencing withdrawals. We experience symptoms of love withdrawal that often mirror the withdrawal from drugs like crack cocaine. The withdrawal sucks. For both love and crack cocaine. Addiction to love and crack cocaine both make your brain release high amounts of dopamine into your system. When you suddenly stop getting your high, your body and mind crave the substance to experience the same levels of euphoria. When you don’t get your high anymore, the symptoms set in: depression, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, and strong cravings. The Relapse Many people who are addicted to drugs relapse. This goes for crack cocaine and love. Our brains seem to be still seeking those feel-good hits of dopamine that our drug of choice gives us. It’s not surprising that I have relapsed on love many, many times. Each time I think I’ve recovered from love’s touch, it comes back to bite me. The next time I get close enough to taste its pleasures, I find I will stop at nothing to get that high that love gives me. Just recently, I went through a full month of highs and lows related to falling in love with someone I know. Her attention became my drug. When we didn’t talk for a week and a half, I finally got some release from the cycle of euphoria and depression I had fallen into. I thought that soon the addiction would release me. When I heard from her again, it was like I had taken another blissful hit of love. Before I even knew what was happening, I had relapsed on love. Relapsing on crack cocaine, like love, can take over our whole life. All of a sudden, every other part of life seems to pale in comparison to the importance of the drug. My theory is that love is just a socially acceptable form of insanity. It mirrors addiction in the human brain, which I think says a lot about how we form and make social bonds with each other. Does that make addiction, in some way, an integral part of a human life? If getting high and ecstatic on another person bonds us to them, then should we do anything about it? The fact that love seems so integral to our lives is also what makes it so contentious to categorize it as an addiction. If the attachment to love is harming our lives and making us participate in behavior that is unbecoming to us, then maybe it’s a problem. The question is, how do break the cycle? At least with love, we’re all in this together. Depending on where you are in the world, you may have a different game plan when it comes to the coronavirus. But as the news roll in about school districts and business shutting down, all while health officials urge people to practice social distancing and limit their exposure to other people, the need to isolate ourselves from the virus is getting more and more pressing. For many Americans, this social distancing is still a choice. We still have bars and restaurants open, and can choose to go out, socialize, and put ourselves at risk. If you are choosing to self-quarantine for whatever reason (or you live in a place that has mandated it), I wanted to come up with a list of ideas we could all use to make our isolation a little bit better. So here are a few things you and I can do while we’re staying at home: Practice Mindfulness Now that you’ve got a lot of time at home, this is a great time to start a consistent mindfulness practice. The best way is to schedule yourself some meditation sessions in the morning or afternoon that you can stick to while you’re at home. Personally, I like to do afternoons, but have been also trying to incorporate mornings into my schedule as well. I like to start with short, easy sessions to ease into the practice. All you have to do is carve out five to ten minutes of your day and use that time to practice your breathing and stay present. With all the frightening news and world events happening around us, this is a great time to practice remaining at peace, and learn not to follow any anxious or distressing thoughts that threaten to make us freak out. Work on a Project Lots of time at home means lots of time to work on projects! Just pretend that you’re back at summer camp and have all day at the arts and crafts building to perfect that Popsicle stick building. Except you don’t have to do anything like that, you can work on all those grown up projects you’ve been shrugging off for the last few years. Maybe you could start a blog on Medium… I mean, you’re already here anyway. Or you could fix up your bike and go on a ride. If you get creative, there are probably a hundred things you could find to do around the house. All you have to do is start searching for them, and the projects will find you. Start a New Hobby A new hobby goes hand to hand with your projects. With all this free time, this is the best chance you got to really put your time in to hone your craft. For me, I’m gonna use some quarantine time to work on embroidery and knitting, some hobbies that I’ve been putting off for the last few months. I’m also gonna start learning a new instrument, just as soon as I figure out what instrument that’s going to be. Whatever hobby you pick, hopefully it’ll help get your mind off of the news of the pandemic and help you find some purpose while you’re stuck at home. If you’re like me, you’re bound to get a little bit of cabin fever while you’re stuck at home, which is why we need something consistent we can come back to, like a good hobby, so that we don’t go stir crazy. Check In On Friends and Family While we’re all stuck at home, this is a great time to check in on the ones we love and make sure they’re safe. Take some time to call or text your family members and let them know you’re safe. You can also catch up on some things that you let slide while you were busy with work and short on time. It’s also a great time to spread any useful information you have on the virus to people you know. Many people don’t trust authority figures when it comes to public health issues, but will trust your opinion more. I hope that this list helps you stay safe and happy while you’re quarantined because of this public health crisis. Even though we’re keeping our distance, we’re all in this together. Stay safe and don’t forget to wash your hands. Also, here’s a link to the CDC website with more information on Coronavirus safety: https://www.cdc.gov/ ... Maybe you just went through a devastating breakup. Maybe you just got rejected by someone that you really care for. Maybe you just saw that special someone on Tinder and realized that they’re looking for people that aren’t you. Whatever it is, you’ve got a broken heart, and you can feel it withering away inside of you. You can feel the pain daily, knowing that there is a disconnect between you and the other person, one that you wish so much wasn’t there. And just when you feel like you’re recovering, that you’ve got some sense of balance in your life, something (a song, a name) reminds you of that broken thing inside of you: Your wild, loving heart. Some people, it seems, are just not wired the way you are. Love, emotions, and rejections: those things just don’t seem to faze them. You might envy those people. You might swear to yourself that you’re gonna be more cold, more heartless in the future. “Love, I don’t need it.” You repeat. Yet you dream about love when you lay in your bed. You long to be held, to be cherished by someone. You admit to yourself that there is no feeling like being loved. How do you live with this broken thing, this heart that wants so desperately to love and be loved? The first step is affirming that it’s okay to feel how you feel. No matter what your status or role in this world is, you have a right to your feelings. It’s not stupid or foolish to love another person. It happens all the time, and it’s beautiful even if they don’t return your love. Admit to yourself that you feel something that is completely natural and wonderful, and then let yourself cry about it. Just because you feel pain about this relationship doesn’t make you a weaker person, or a loser. In fact, feelings are in many ways what makes us human. The second step is to find an outlet. There’s a reason that many emotional people are also artistically inclined. Art is a great way to redirect your feelings towards something productive. Even if you don’t have any skills, you can draw a picture, write a poem, or make a necklace. There are all sorts of way to practice art or build a skill. Just do something that will get your hands moving and your mind working. That could even consist of doing a crossword in a coffee shop or taking a pottery class once a week. Personally, I play my guitar and try to let my emotions spill out into the song. The process can be quite messy and chaotic, but it feels cathartic, like something locked up inside of me is being released out into the world. It’s not a fix-all, but it helps. The third step is to realize that we’re all struggling with some sort of broken heart. “Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
That means be kind to yourself as well. Be kind to yourself and others in equal measure. Life is a struggle. It always has been, for everyone. Once you recognize that, maybe you can build a little perspective on your own struggles in the midst of the world. It doesn’t make the pain any less real, but it can help put it a bigger context. That leads us to the fourth step for living with a broken heart. Find ways to mend your broken heart, little by little. Do we ever really get over a broken heart? Every time I think that my broken heart is finally healed, someone else comes to break it up all over again. It’s like there are little cracks in our heart, and some people know how to get inside and just burst into a thousand little pieces. Then we spend all this time piecing ourselves back together. We slowly stop obsessing. We get track of our thoughts and rediscover the joy we get out of life. We eat well again, laugh again, and find ways to lose in the moment. It makes you wonder, though: is this going to happen over and over again? Possibly. Maybe there is no getting over a broken heart. Life is heartbreaking in so many little ways that it’s impossible to know what’s going to get you down. It’s not a perfect road, but it’s one you can walk down with courage. It’s not that things won’t hurt you anymore. It’s that you’ll be prepared for the devastating, heartbreaking, wild experience that is being human. You’ll be prepared to risk it, because what’s the point of getting up in the morning if you’re not ready to give life your best try? None us get out of this without a broken heart. None of us get out of this alive. I’ll leave you with a few lines from Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata: You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Love has always changed with the times. With the onslaught of coronavirus on our society and our individual lives, we are living in an era where relationships have been upended, redefined, and rewritten.
When we are living in a crisis like this, what does love look like? For those trying to connect with others, you might have to put off dating for a while, unless you want to go on video dates with people you hardly know. For those just getting into relationships with people, the social distancing regulations that the virus has instigated may bring them close together — or drive them apart. This is a time when relationships are being tested, reworked, and brought out into the light. Separated from our normal routines and living with the fear of a society forever changed, we often lay our hopes and anxieties onto the people we love. Love in the time of coronavirus — Here are some stories from these last few months that show how love has changed, and persevered, through these troubled times. ER Doctor Dies In His Husband’s Arms ER doctor Frank Gabrin knew the risk he was taking by treating patients with coronavirus, but it was his job, after all. A week after getting the virus, Gabrin died in his husband’s arms. Arnold Vargas, his husband, talked to CNN, telling the news outlet how this was a reminder to care for and protect those who are on the frontlines of fighting the virus. This was at a time when masks and gloves were in dire shortage, and many healthcare providers were in need of more protective equipment. Because of coronavirus, Vargas has had to mourn his husband’s loss while also fighting the coronavirus, a depressing situation for anyone in these times. We are all thankful to those healthcare workers who are putting their lives, and the lives of their family, on the line to help those who are sick. An ER doctor dies in his husband's arms a week after first coronavirus symptomsNew Jersey emergency room doctor Frank Gabrin knew he could contract coronavirus when he walked into work to treat… Mother Says Goodbye to Her 39-Year Old Husband Conrad Buchanan was a healthy 39-year old DJ when he contracted the Coronavirus in March. It was hard for him to get tested, though, because he wasn’t in an at-risk population and didn’t have an preexisting conditions. A few weeks later his wife drove him to the hospital. When she dropped him off, that was the last time she ever saw him. Due to the quarantine conditions, no one was allowed to visit him as he fought for his life against the virus inside the hospital. Soon Conrad Buchanan was dead, and Nicole and Skye, his wife and daughter, were left shocked and saddened by this premature loss. We never know when we will lose those we love, and even the healthiest of us can be taken away suddenly. This serves as a reminder to love while we have the chance, and to be as careful as we can to protect each other from this same sort of situation. A healthy 39-year-old DJ died of coronavirus. What his young widow and daughter want you to knowNicole Buchanan wasn't even allowed to say goodbye to her husband. "I would hate for anybody ... to have to go through… Dating During The Coronavirus Quarantining with a group of people is arguably a lot easier than by yourself. For people who live alone, quite a lot has changed. Any dates we were planning on going on in the last few months have been put on hold. This can be a very lonely time, especially without the ability to go out to bars, restaurants, coffee shops, and other social places to get a little bit of conversation and connection in your day. For those isolated during this time, dating apps like Tinder and Bumble can provide an outlet to connect with others. Many of these apps are even offering a “date from home” option. Hinge, for example, allows users to check whether they’re ready to date from home, unlocking the ability to make a video or phone call with that person. In similar fashion, Tinder has offered its “Passport” feature for free during this time, allowing those stuck in place during the quarantine the ability to swipe wherever they want in the world. If you’re not able to go home during this crisis, it’s a great way to still connect with people in your area, and maybe set up an in-person date for some unforeseeable time in the future. What’s your experience with love during the coronavirus crisis? No matter if you’re single, married, or figuring it all out, this situation has affected how we all relate to each other. Our relationships have changed, and will continue to evolve, during this strange and testing time. The song, I think, is by James Taylor:
“I was a fool to care / I was a fool to care / But I don’t care / Even if I was a fool.” I think about that sometimes when I think about relationships. Why do so many of us care so deeply about people that don’t seem to give us much thought or affection? It’s like we’re hard-wired to seek out people that are cold and unavailable, that constantly string us along without ever really showing us the love we desire. It also reminds of me of another song, this one by The Smiths: “In my life, why do I give valuable time / To people who don’t care if I live or die?” The song, called “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” is pretty straightforward about the condition many of us find ourselves. We give ourselves to other people, get nothing in return, and then are shoved out the door before we even knew what happened. Why Do We Play The Fool? Probably cause we don’t see reality. We see the world how we want to see it, where that other person returns our affection and falls madly in love with us too. It’s no surprise that falling in love has been compared to a mental illness. The chemicals our brain produce in the presence of our crush literally get us high. We act illogically and when they pull away, we have actual withdrawals without the drug of their attention, and began to concoct increasingly desperate ways to get our fix. Even WebMD has compared love to drugs like cocaine. Like pain relievers and the white stuff, love actually eases our physical ailments by targeting pleasure receptors like dopamine. It also can give us strong feelings of ecstasy, which then makes us feel like the object of our love is our soulmate. If infatuation and love are essentially a mental illness, at least it’s an ailment that many of us share. Maybe deep down, we even sort of enjoy the excitement and let down of falling for someone, even if it ultimately causes us to spiral into anguish and depression. Or, of course, we’re just addicted to that love drug. Why Do We Continue To Play The Fool? I thought eventually I’d learn my lesson, but then I go and fall for another person that can’t love me. Every time I tell myself: This isn’t going to be like the last time. This person actually cares about me. I convince myself that they are going to fall for my charms and meet me halfway. And then, just like last time, they don’t really care. Cue the song, because I’m playing the fool, again. One theory is that, like a drug addict, we’re just relapsing again. It’s like we went to rehab for our cocaine addiction, spent a year getting off the stuff, then on one fateful evening, went on a binge. Next thing we know, we’re looking at another person with the wild eyes of love. Can We Help Who We Fall in Love With? This is a really interesting question, both personally and philosophically. I think it comes down to what you believe about free will and fate, and how we make decisions as human beings in an uncertain world. If you believe everything is fate, you probably think that everyone you meet, and everyone you love, were fated to be in your life. I guess that makes it easy, because if that person rejects you, it was fate for them to do that. But if you believe in free will, then you think that you have the autonomy to choose someone that is right for you. This decision may be influenced by past experience, genetics. I’ve always thought it’s a mixture of the two. I think there are elements of determinism in our choices. There are the factors of general taste, genetic makeup, social standing, and past history that play a role in what people we are attracted to. There is also the power to choose, which may be difficult when someone is just so damn attractive to you. You know what I’m talking about. One look from their eyes and you’re a puddle on the floor. There is an upside to this, though. We are people that allow ourselves to be vulnerable, the ones that opened themselves up to the possibility of love, the ones that believed in intimacy and connection. There is wisdom to being a fool. Maybe we can strike a balance. We can work on ways to build up our strength, to believe in ourselves and our choices, and to know when to walk away from a relationship that isn’t serving us. And when the time comes, someone will see the beauty of our open hearts and appreciate that we are vulnerable and ready to share ourselves with them. We have so much love to give, so keep on giving it, to yourself, to others, and to the world. “I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of fighting Fighting for a lost cause” -Beck, from “Lost Cause” The other day I was walking around a bookstore looking for The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas, needing a good adventure story to distract me. That’s when a song I recognized came on the speakers. It was “Lost Cause” by Beck. The song has always been one of my favorites. What I find especially interesting is the air of finality the song evokes; the singer giving up on having a fulfilling and loving relationship with another person. The mood is extremely morose and practically dripping with melancholy, but it also stresses one important thing: Finally giving up on that person. You know who I’m talking about. We all have that person that we want to be attached to, even if every sign points us in the other direction. Still, we cling on for dear life, hoping that they’ll come around. We can give this person a thousand chances, but at some point we realize the truth: They’re never going to be there for us. It’s not easy to accept it. Lord knows I’m still in the process of it. I want that person to call me before they go to bed and tell me about their day; to affirm the feeling I get when I’m near them; to give me as much as I give them. But to realize that the affirmation is never coming is a part of moving on. To make the process of giving up on someone easier, we have to remind ourselves of a few things: The World Is Abundant The world is full of people; people who are trying to figure out their lives, connect with others, and understand themselves. It may get complicated sometimes, but sooner or later you’ll probably meet someone that you can trust. This person will appreciate who you are as a person, and you’ll slowly realize that you’ll be able to rely on them. Patience seems to be the key with people. Keep your heart open and see what happens. Remember to keep relationships light until you really feel like you can trust someone. Take a few seconds every morning to remind yourself of the world’s abundance. Opportunities and second chances are everywhere you look, if only you open your eyes and see them. There Are No Guarantees People are complicated. There’s no way to know what they’re really thinking, and no way to really predict their behavior. Reminding yourself of the unpredictability and chaos of the world offers you an elevated perspective on the nature of your own problems. The stock market falls and rises again; the weather shifts and changes; people change their minds and go against what they said the day before. It’s just the way of the world, and you have to be aware of it’s paradoxical nature even as you fight to control it. Having someone to rely on is the exception to this, not the rule. Learning to love, respect, and trust in someone is something rare and wonderful that should be celebrated. Knowing there are no guarantees, you can walk boldly into the world and be surprised when good things do come. Connect With Yourself “That’s the way of the world Plant your flower and you grow a pearl Child is born with a heart of gold Way of the world makes his heart so cold” -Earth, Wind, and Fire Instead of trying to connect with a person that doesn’t want to give anything to you, try connecting more with yourself. This may be tired advice, but there is something to it. Look for things that you’re interested in, whether that’s music, art, sports, or some kind of craft or skill. Follow your interests all the way to the end of the line. Ever want to try playing tennis more? Or did you always wanted to take a pottery course? Maybe you can go ahead and sign up for that improv class you’ve been considering for the last year. Whatever is, follow what interests you. If nothing interests you, then try to fake it until something catches your heart and mind. In time you’ll learn to let that person go, and realize the truth: They could never give you what you want, anyway. ... Also, a quick note. There’s a shirt being sold on Everpress where 50% of the profits will go towards Australian Wildfire Relief efforts. It’s also a cool little shirt. Check it out below! Australia Shirt apparel | Everpress A little bit of Australia for ya. These limited edition Australia Shirt garments are only available here. everpress.com Originally published on Medium. |
Wesley OwensI write about love, life, and all the things in between. Archives
April 2022
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